Relena Peacecrafts Complete Guide to Better Table
by Horuri
Summary: Manners Dumb title. Relena forces the GW boys to participate in an instructional video. Big mistake. I warn you this is extremely silly. Written with my darling little sister Tiger Leaf.


Horuri: Relena Peacecrafts complete guide to better table manners...  
Tiger leaf: Was written by Horuri and myself. We don't own anything *sigh* Some Canadian people made the original Lady Fishbournes Guide to Better Table Manners. Any of you who used to stay up after watching Space Ghost on Sunday nights probably know what I'm talking about.  
Horuri: Well, we have it recorded. So we used that for all the words for the table manners.  
Tiger leaf: We don't own GW either, some Japanese people made that. I have no clue what I am saying.  
Horuri: No you don't. Anyway on with the fic!  
  
  
  
  
  
Heero, Duo, Quatre and Wu Fei are standing on a TV set that has been made up to look like a dinning room.   
Heero: How could I let this happen.  
Wu Fei: It's simple baka. That weak onna Relena asked you to be in her dumb video and you couldn't refuse.  
Duo: Anything at all for the one you love.  
Heero: Shutup! Besides you've said that before.  
Quatre: I think it's nice Heero said he would help. I said yes right away. Anyway why are you two here?  
Duo: Um, well...  
Wufei: Heero is blackmailing us.  
Quatre: How?  
Heero: This is how. *Pulls out a picture of three wasted Gundam pilots. Trowa, Duo and Wu Fei are partying after Libra had been destroyed and the Earth saved. Someone had done Duo's hair. He had five ponytails sticking out every which way and was lying in the floor with a stupid grin on his face. Trowa was passed out in a chair with his head back, his eyes and mouth open, and he was drooling down his shirt. Wu Fei was relieving himself in the corner*  
Duo: *grabs at the picture, but misses*  
Quatre: *struggles to not laugh* Where was this?  
Heero: The party after the war.  
Quatre: There was a party?  
Duo: You were in the hospital.  
Quatre: *makes a little sad face* Oh.  
Duo: *quickly* But you wouldn't have liked it anyway there was a lot of alcohol.  
Quatre: So it seems. *hands picture back to Heero*  
Wu Fei: Where's Barton? You said he was here too.  
Heero: Relena asked him to do something special in the video.  
Wu Fei: What?  
*Relena walks in before Heero can answer*  
Relena: Good your all here! Ready to start?  
Duo: Whatever.  
Relena: Ok then let's go.   
*the boys head to the table and Relena seats herself in a large chair nearby*  
  
Relena Peacecrafts Complete Guide to Better Table Manners  
  
  
Relena: In this video we will try to explain the correct way to act in front of dinner guests at another persons home.  
*the boys are standing around the table, Duo's also waving to the camera*  
Relena: Never be the first seated.  
*the GW guys stand there looking at each other*  
Relena: Ahem.  
*they still just stand there*  
Relena: Just sit down!  
*all sit at the same time*  
Relena: Be certain all are present and you are at your own place setting.  
*Wu Fei and Heero switch places*  
Wu Fei: *mumbles* Injustice.  
*now Wu Fei is at one end, Heero the other, Duo is next to Wu fei and Quatre between Heero and Duo*   
Relena: Repose at the table is a sign of dignity and respect.  
Never lounge in your chair. Sit up straight keep your hands in your lap and your feet on the floor.  
Duo: *kicks his feet up on the table, tilts back in his chair, and puts his hands behind his head*  
Relena: *glares*  
Quatre: *kicks the legs of the chair and Duo falls over backwards*  
Duo: EEEYAAAHHH! Ouch!  
Others:??  
Quatre: Sorry, couldn't resist.  
Wu Fei and Heero: *laugh*  
Relena: *sighs and continues* Your elbows should never wing out nor rest on the table.  
Heero: *quickly moves his*  
Relena: Of course there are a few rules that should have been learned in kindergarten.  
Heero: Duo's still in kindergarten.  
Duo: Hey!  
Relena: Don't try to attract attention by waving your cutlery in the air.  
Don't tap against glasses or plates nor play with the salt and peppershakers.  
Quatre: That does sound like Duo at dinner.  
Duo: Ok it's not funny anymore.  
Wu Fei: Haha, Maxwell. *tucks his napkin into his collar and starts eating*  
Relena: Only the ill-bred provincial tucks his napkin into the top of his jacket.  
Wu Fei: What!? INJUSTICE!  
Duo: *with food in his mouth* Hahahahahaha!  
*food fly's out and hits Quatre*  
Quatre: *looks like he's going to be sick and puts a hand over his mouth.  
Relena: Ew, and talking when your mouth is full of food nauseates your neighbors.  
Quatre: No kidding!  
Duo: *shrugs and starts to reach for some potatoes*  
Relena: Never reach out to get something at the table.  
Duo: Fine then what.  
Relena: Simply ask for it politely....  
Duo: *grabs Quatre by the collar* FORK OVER THOSE POTATOES!  
Heero: Here, have some. *throws a handful at Duo*  
Duo: Huh? *potatoes hit him in the face* Aaaah!  
Relena: *giggles* ...and it will be passed to you. Do not blow briskly on your food to cool it, and it is an insult to your hostess if you closely examine your food before eating it.  
Heero: *is poking and prodding at his plate*   
Relena: Ahem.  
Heero: *looks up at her* I'm making sure it's safe.  
Wu Fei: The war is over nobody is going to tamper with your food.  
Heero: *realizes he's right* Grrrrrrrrr.  
Relena: It is considered bold effrontery to refuse a dish that is offered to you.  
Duo: *grins evilly* Heero, won't you have some asparagus?  
Heero: No.   
Quatre: *sounding shocked* Why Heero! That's bold effrontery!  
Heero: Um, I'm allergic.  
Duo: Nice try, now eat your asparagus like a good boy.  
Heero: Grrrr. *eats some asparagus, makes a face and spits it out*  
Duo: Now that wasn't that bad was it.  
Heero: Omae o korosu.  
Relena: Not at dinner Heero.  
Heero: Hn.  
Relena: Anyway, so is pushing your plate away after tasting the food.  
Wu Fei: What is?  
Relena: Bold effrontery.  
Wu Fei: Oh that again.  
Relena: If you taste your food and discover that you do not like it  
do not spit it out onto your fork or remove it with a napkin.  
Duo: Yeah Heero, finish your asparagus  
Heero: What?  
Quatre: You only ate part of it and spit the rest back on your plate.  
Heero: She didn't say plate.  
Quatre: I guess not.  
Relena: When a morsel of food by an act of carelessness or stupidity is sent flying to the floor...  
Duo: *holding a piece of chicken* Hey Wu man! Go long!  
Wu Fei: No way baka.  
Duo: *shrugs and throws the piece of chicken at Wu Fei*  
Wu Fei: *dodges it and watches it hit the floor* That would be stupidity.  
Duo: *frowns*  
Wu Fei: *smiles*  
Relena: ...it should be left for the servants to pick up.  
*Trowa walks in with an apron and a broom*  
GW boys:??  
Trowa: No one say anything!   
*no one does and goes back to eating*  
Wu Fei: *looks at his plate* HUH?   
Duo: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???  
Quatre: *covers his mouth from the fear that he might hurl*  
Relena: If you find something distasteful in your food  
do not upset your fellow dinner guests by drawing attention to it.  
Duo: DEAR SHINGAMI!  
Wufei: *A live bird hops around on his plate* UHG! IM NOT EATING THAT! *pulls out his katana from um... somewhere* DIE!!!  
Relena: HOLD IT!  
Wufei: *Stops right above the little bird's head*  
Relena: Handling it with due discretion is far more tactful.  
Wufei: IS THERE NO JUSTICE? WHERE HAS ALL THE JUSTICE GONE? IT'S NOT FAIR I TELL YOU! I WANT TO KILL IT! INJUSTICE! FAVORITISM! ENEQUITY! UNFAIRNESS! CRAPYNESS! SUCKY! Uh...  
Heero: ENOUGH ALREADY!  
Quatre: *turning purple*  
Relena: If you are so nauseated that you feel you must leave the room do so immediately.  
Quatre: Thank you! *runs out of the room, followed by everyone else. Trowa comes and shoos away the bird, pulls out a feather duster and dusts the table.  
Relena: Okay? There are certain foods that can be eaten without the benefit of a knife fork or spoon. This food category includes: olives, pickles, celery, carrots...  
*GW pilots return*  
Heero: Pocky.  
Quatre: Flowers?  
Wu Fei: TINY BIRDS!  
Duo: Oh, I know paperclips!  
Relena: Be quiet! You don't know what I'm talking about. *continues* Radishes, nuts, mints, berries, cookies, and, small sandwiches.  
Duo: And paperclips.  
Relena: No Duo! Not paperclips!  
Duo: *under his breath* Shows what you know.  
Relena: *sighs and shakes her head* A banana should be peeled down bit by bit and small pieces broken off with the fingers.  
Wu Fei: *keeps squishing the banana between his fingers* Grrrrrr, Injustice!  
Relena: Or one may peel the banana completely and eat it with a fork.  
Wu Fei: Good! *peels off the rest of the banana peel, throws it on the floor, stabs the banana with his fork and stuffs the entire thing in his mouth*  
Quatre: Ugh that's disgusting.  
Wu Fei: What's it to ya!  
Duo: Settle down you two.  
Heero: I never thought I'd hear you say that.  
*Trowa walks behind them and slips on the banana peel*  
Trowa: Aieeeeeee!  
*thud*  
Quatre: Oh no! Trowa are you Ok?  
Trowa: I'm fine, but I quit! *takes off apron and throws it on the floor*  
Wu Fei: You can't leave! The deal was that we all had to be in the video!  
Trowa: I'm not leaving, I'm just not playing maid anymore. *pulls up a chair and sits down between Quatre and Duo*  
Relena: But somebody has to serve the food. Oh I know. Pagan!  
Pagan: Yes, Miss Relena. *puts on apron and leaves to get more food*  
Heero: What do you pay that guy? Whatever it is it's not enough.  
Duo: Sucks to be you man!  
Relena: *ignoring them* The spoon is held lightly, as one would hold a pencil.  
Heero: *holds the spoon upside-down and stares at it, trying to concentrate.*  
Duo: Uh Heero, you have to be smarter than the spoon.  
Heero: *threateningly* You're not calling me stupid are you?  
Duo: No. I'm saying that might be a pretty intelligent spoon.  
Relena: When eating soup the spoon is dipped away from you.  
Trowa: *makes a face* How do you do that?  
Duo: Like this! *he scoops some soup, then dumps it out on the table the opposite direction than him*  
Relena: *rolls her eyes* Be sure to lift the spoon up to you.  
Heero: *concentrating on the spoon was too much for him. He passes out, falling into his soup.*  
Relena: Um, bending over the plate is bad manners. Never try to scrape out the last trickles of soup.  
Duo: *is trying to scoop out the last of his soup* Ok. *picks up the bowl and drinks from it*  
Relena: Eat what can be eaten gracefully and leave what little remains.  
Duo: That was graceful. I held out my pinky.  
*Heero wakes up and wipes the soup off his face*  
Heero: Uuuuuh. Stupid spoon. *drops it on the floor, pulls out his gun and shots it*  
Relena: *rolls her eyes again and continues* The knife is used for cutting foods.  
Wu Fei: No, really.  
Relena: Never use it for any other purpose.  
Quatre: Like what?  
Duo: Like this. *holds up his butter knife to Trowa* Gimme all your food!  
Trowa: *pulls out gun* What was that?  
Duo: *squeaks* Nothing.  
Wu Fei: *is stuffing huge portions of food into his mouth*   
Relena: None but the vulgarian takes a larger piece of food then he can handle in one mouthful.  
Wu Fei: Injustice! I'm Chinese!  
Quatre: Now that's certainly not true. I happen to know some Bulgarians.  
Trowa: Yeah, what do you have against Bulgarians.  
Duo: I never thought you'd be prejudice Relena.  
Relena: *taken aback* Why...I...NO! I said vulgarian! WITH A V!  
Heero: Sure whatever.  
Relena: *ignores them* And on with the subject, the butter knife is usually found on the dinner plate.  
Duo: Where? I don't see one.  
Trowa: You had it a second ago. You threatened me with it remember.  
Duo: Ya, I did. But I guess I lost it. Well I don't have one.   
Relena: If a butter knife is not provided...   
Duo: You could put it that way.  
Relena: ...the dinner knife or any other convenient knife may be used for spreading.  
Duo: Oh, good! *goes under the table and returns with his scythe* How bout this?  
Relena: *sighs* Why not.  
Wufei: Hey Maxwell, pass me a roll! Now!  
Duo: Not if you say it that way! *Turns his head in the opposite direction* Hmph!  
Wufei: Fine then! *he stands up, pulls out his katana from... somewhere again and stabs a roll from across the table* There! *smiles to himself*  
Relena: Never reach out and spear a roll or a slice of bread.  
Wufei: INJUSTICE! You didn't say that earlier!  
Relena: Well it's true and I'm saying it now.  
Wufei: *mumbles* Stupid onna...  
Heero: *death glare*  
Wufei: What?  
Relena: Enough already! Just shut up!  
All: *silent*  
Relena: Although today we can overlook many etiquette blunders without batting an eyelash...  
Duo: *picking his nose*  
Quatre: *brushing his teeth*  
Trowa: *brushing his hair, which is getting in the food*  
Wufei: *polishing his katana*  
Heero: *gnawing on the remaining meat of a chicken leg*  
Relena: *disgustedly* ...this does not hold true for bone picking!  
Heero: *stops immediately*   
Relena: *stares at Heero* It is hard to believe but there are still people to be found publicly gnawing large greasy bones, brandishing sticky chops, and virtually attacking oversized drumsticks without the use of silver ware. This sort of conduct is strictly a barbarian practice.  
Heero: *looks small and sinks under the table*  
Relena: Accidents happen at the table, and should one happen to you  
be as calm and discreet as possible.  
Trowa: That's impossible with this group.  
Quatre: Relena, you really should have considered someone else for this video.  
Relena: I suppose your right.  
Heero: *quietly* Hmph. Suppose.  
Relena: *glares*  
Heero: *sinks farther under the table*  
Relena: But it's too late now. Moving on, the hostess should smile graciously and a new topic of conversation should be introduced immediately.  
Duo: Heero, you should teach us that bone-setting trick of yours. It could come in real handy. Have you guys seen him do that? He just takes a hold and crunch, puts it back in place.  
All but Duo and Heero: Ewwww! Not while we're eating Duo!  
Duo: Sorry! I'm Sorry Ok!  
Relena: You should not be too apologetic.  
Duo: Fine then! I'm not sorry!  
Relena: No that's not right either.  
Duo: *exasperated* Then what am I supposed to do?  
Relena: An appealing glance saying... *points to the cue card*  
Duo: No way I'm saying that!  
Relena: Read the card!  
Duo: No!  
Heero: Yes. *points gun at him from across the table*  
Duo: *mumbles something*  
Heero: We can't hear you.  
Duo: *loudly* A thousand pardons. I was most revolting! OK!  
Relena: *nods*... should suffice. *camera points right at her*  
We hope you have enjoyed our informal little lecture on basic table manners. And we know...*takes a sip of tea*  
*SLUUURRRP*   
All: ??  
Relena: ...will result in a happier more fulfilling life. *waits a few seconds* Ok, cut.  
All: YAY!  
Duo: Heero, gimme that picture!  
Heero: Ok. *hands him the picture*  
Duo: *rips it into tiny pieces* Hahaha!  
Heero: *has a sneaky grin*  
Wu Fei: What is it.  
Heero: I said I'd give you the picture, but I still have the negative.  
Wu Fei, Duo, and Trowa: Aaah!  
Trowa: How could you do this to your friends?  
Heero: Don't worry, I won't show it to anybody. I'll just keep it in case I need another little favor.  
Quatre: Heero, can I have a copy?  
Wu Fei, Duo and Trowa: NO!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Horuri: There all done. That's the longest fanfic I've written.  
Tiger leaf: Sure, considering you've only written one other. I on the other hand I have written only one but its was about ten times longer that the one you wrote. HEY! what are you eating????  
Horuri: A sandwich, and you can't have one because it's the last of the bread.  
Tiger leaf: AW! YOU SUCK! Fine then get fat! Ill just sit here and laugh at you! HA HA!  
Horuri: I don't care if I'm fat. I can write better then you.  
Tiger leaf: Oh no you can't! Try and prove it but have you ever written any good stories of YOUR OWN that you haven't used another story for half of??   
Horuri: Yes, but not in a long time because I have been busy. Besides the people reading this don't care.  
Tiger leaf: Ya, so why'd you bring it up in the first place?   
Horuri: Because I want to ask the nice people if they can tell when the authors switch. I think when you write all the characters all of a sudden have these huge mood swings and have to speak LIKE THIS!  
Tiger L: That's cause I make them express themselves more when you have them seem so boring any way I thought that you were complaining this was too long. Why are you making it longer??   
Horuri: Fine I'll be quiet. Anyway R&R!!  



End file.
